Week Six—Trying To Keep It All Together

by edwardrubinstein

It’s the end of Week 6 (Week 7 begins tomorrow, yikes!), and I’m just now getting to this. It’s been a tough week. Yes, I do the exercises and the readings (so many!). I recite 25 times “do it now” and “I can be what I will to be” twice each day. I slog through the Emerson piece (talk about a difficult piece, whew!). And I keep up with my business, too. But I’m still way behind.

My poster board—went right out and bought it on Monday. It’s still sitting and completely blank. There’s so much think time involved in this, that I just get worn out. I’d always heard that mental work is harder than physical work, and I’d experienced the difference a few times in my life, but it’s been years and years since then. Now it’s even more difficult (oh, that I were 20 years younger).

But then I think of my grandchildren, for whom I want to leave a legacy, something that they’ll always remember their grandpa by,

and I get motivated again.

But for me, it’s still all mechanical. I haven’t gotten that “spark” of revelation yet, that moment when serendipity just seems to happen. Too much concrete still. Chip, chip, chip. Oh, there’s a crack and a little piece fell off, but just a little. Where’s the chisel. Chisel? Where’s the jack hammer!? Got to get rid of this—NOW!

I greet this day with love in my heart. That’s what I read. That’s what I want to do, to feel, to accomplish. That’s not what happens, though. I’ve dug a pretty deep hole, and although I believe I’ve stopped digging (finally), and MKMMA is definitely the rope by which I can pull myself up and out, it’s a looooonnnnnggggg way up. And sometimes my hands slip, or my feet don’t catch the wall just right. Ever try to climb a rope with just your arms? It’s hard, I mean really hard.

Every night that last hour gets a little later until it’s simply too late. I still have to get up the next morning. That never stops.

I   read    and    then    I     fall     asleep.